As I settled into my seat aboard this flight the energy was different from other trips. Even though I was embarking upon this once in a lifetime month-long journey, I didn’t feel the usual pre-vacation nervousness or excitement that I’m used to once I finally board. Instead, there was a profound sense of calm that washed over me. It felt as though I was simply going exactly where I was supposed to go; like I was heading home after another work week in Silicon Valley. For once, I wasn’t in a rush to get to my destination. Despite the daunting flights ahead (19 hours of flying to be exact), I was content with the idea of being present & enjoying the journey. I started listening to some of my usual playlists on Apple Music & I was in my groove. After takeoff, I cued up “Eat Pray Love” starring Julia Roberts on my iPad. It seemed only right. Can you believe that this is the first time I’ve watched this movie? I couldn’t have picked a more perfect time to be late for the party.
As the movie unfolded, there were parts that really resonated with me. I laughed, I felt inspired and started to feel the excitement at some of the synchronicities in the movie (e.g. she was greedy lol, she left her life behind to travel solo to Asia, and her ultimate destination was Bali – the same place I felt the universe has called me to go). As Liz (Julia) worked through the guilt of her failed relationships and the need to forgive herself, I started to recognize some of my own guilt that I needed to release. I became aware of my own emotions rising to the surface. What is happening?!? I’m about to be on vacation for a month! What do I have to be upset about? It’s not like I’m watching This is Us. 🤣
I continued watching the movie while simultaneously trying to suppress what felt like a pile of emotional C4 waiting to blow in my chest. In that moment of raw vulnerability when Richard (from Texas) finally broke down about why he was in India on this journey to healing — he lost his family after his alcoholism nearly caused him to run over his 8-year-old son in their driveway—the emotional bomb had been triggered remotely and I knew detonation was imminent.
At the end of the film, when she finally released her baggage and decided to embrace love again, the tears welled in my eyes and the bomb 💣 exploded! I cried and it was a deep, soulful, nose running like a faucet cry. The tears were streaming down my face at a rate I never experienced before. The more I tried to subdue my emotions, the harder they pushed their way out. I cried for what felt like an hour. Tears were falling on my iPad as I drafted this post. For so long, I had mastered the art of holding my feelings inside and in this moment I just surrendered and allowed myself to FINALLY let go.
As the first anniversary of my dad’s burial just passed, I was crying for the relationship I wished I had with my dad. I was crying because just as I was ready & had the means to start healing our relationship, the afterlife snatched him away. I was crying because I wanted more time. I was holding onto the resentment and guilt for so long that it had no place to go but out. I thought if I put my eye mask on and tried to rest, the tears would go away. Instead, the tears nearly soaked through my mask. I felt foolish crying on the plane like this, but at the same time, I didn’t care. This was exactly what I needed.
This was a healing cry. As the tears began to slow their pace, I took a deep breath and sighed it all out. Just like we do at the end of yoga during Shavasana. At that moment I felt physically lighter as if someone had removed a weighted vest from my chest. I forgave myself. I forgave my dad, and I started to heal right there on the plane long before I reached my destination. You don’t realize just how heavy your pain is until you finally decide to let it all go. Whew!!!
At first, I hesitated to share this with you guys. Being vulnerable is still relatively new territory for me. However, I know that in order to heal and help others, I have to stand in my authenticity. There is beauty in our truth and quite frankly, I was so tired of wearing a mask.
So many of us are carrying such heavy emotional baggage that is holding us back from happiness when all we have to do is DROP THE BAGS! It’s time to heal. It’s time to forgive ourselves and those who hurt us. It’s time to purge ourselves of all the trauma that makes us scared to live & love with our whole hearts. We have to stop believing the lies that we tell ourselves that we aren’t deserving of a happy, peaceful & abundant life. We don’t have to be the martyrs in our story, we can just as easily emerge as the hero if we choose to.
If you’re reading this, it’s not too late to rewrite the next chapter of your life. Just know there is a purpose to your pain. Our pain is what helps us grow & step into our destiny. You owe it to yourself and those who love you to go within and do the work. True happiness is waiting for you on the other side of healing.
I have no doubts that this whole experience has been orchestrated by the universe for me to heal & step into my destiny. I’ve had so many signs leading up to this moment and I’ve received nothing but support from all of the amazing people in my life
I’ll leave you with this quote from the movie, which aligns so perfectly with my journey that I know it was meant for me to hear at this precise moment…
In the end, I’ve come to believe in something I call ‘The Physics of the Quest.’ A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you’re brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
Love yourself and open your heart to healing. The rest will surely follow. ❤️